Saturday, August 20, 2011

and life goes on...

Interesting to read back at my old posts. It's been a long time since I've written; I lost interest in blogging which is quite alright with me. But now I might start back up for a different chapter of my life has begun.

I'm pregnant! Bryan and I have made a beautiful baby that's now growing inside me and when I think of that I'm in awe of God. I'm also pleasantly surprised by His timing. This is the time for this child. We're parents! It's so incredible to me. It's early on enough for me to not feel entirely pregnant yet, so it's hard to wrap my brain around. But I know soon enough I'll feel like a full-fledged pregnant woman, which will make that part real but knowing I'll have a child in my arms who's half Bryan and half me, whom God has entrusted to our care for his or her whole life... will probably be beyond comprehension until the day he or she actually makes that happily anticipated entrance into the world.

We knew this year was a year of preparation for this time of our lives. We had a lot of goals we set before us, mostly financial and to-do's for our home, and most of which we didn't attain. Guess that doesn't matter in the eyes of God. And it doesn't really matter in mine either. Finances are definitely important but I feel like there's so many other areas of our lives that weigh heavily into how fit we are to be parents and I know this time is prime. I mostly know that though, because God ordained it to be so. Can't question that! Our child has been conceived, and will be born, and will live for such a time as this. Only because God says so.

My birth philosophy isn't a popular one as I'm sure is the case with most of my life philosophy/beliefs/values in general. I might catch some flack from friends and family but in general those I've told have been supportive maybe with a bit of apprehension lingering around the edges. My philosophy is that of an unmedicated natural homebirth, with a midwife and doula, in my home, in a little pool of water. That is, if the baby and I stay low risk. If the pregnancy isn't totally low key, I'll be finding myself a doctor and hospital to give birth in. (Which I will be doing anyway as a back-up plan in case labor and delivery don't go as planned.) But for now, I have my first appointment with my midwife on Tuesday and I couldn't be more excited for it.

Since this May, I've been writing in a journal to "our future children". And now I get to actually write to my present child. It's going to be so cool to read back on all of those entries one day, and hopefully super cool for my child to read. I would have deeply treasured a gift like that from my parents.

Cissa prophesied over me one day and said, "I just know you guys will be blessed with a child soon. And that's not coming from me." What we didn't know at the time was just how soon - let alone the fact that baby Hamell was already in the works that day and we didn't even know it!

And then today our pastor's wife Ann told me that when I saw her last Sunday, she thought I looked so radiant and the Holy Spirit told her I was pregnant. My telling her the news today confirmed what God told her on Sunday! There again, I was pregnant, but nobody knew it yet. Both of these things give me chills!

And what's even cooler... I've been more in love with God and the Bible than any time of my life. I can only say I've truly been in love with the Bible for only a couple of shamefully short seasons in my life. But this time feels different. It radiates permanency to me. A whole new season of a whole new immovable dependence that I will have on my Lord for life and light and sustenance... I just know that bringing a child into the world will consistently bring me to my knees. And I welcome that.